Out-of-touch Rooney spotted buying a Twix
Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney has been spotted living up to his lavish lifestyle in Cheshire today as he bought a Twix. And rumors suggest that it may have been a King Size Twix....
View Article‘Inhuman’ thieves ransacked advent calendar, claims mum
Dewsbury mother Dawn Guthrie was devastated when she returned home from work to find that all the doors on her advent calendar had been smashed in and the entire contents stolen by thieves. Fighting...
View ArticleCadbury denies lower fat Dairy Milk bar ‘actually just smaller’
Cadbury’s launched a new Dairy Milk chocolate bar containing 14% less fat than before. ‘It’s exactly the same taste,’ said a spokesman, ‘and still only 99p!’ He dismissed claims by critics that Cadbury...
View ArticleMilky Bar Kid ‘responsible for obesity crisis’
He was strong and tough, and only the best was good enough, but now The Milky Bar Kid faces widespread condemnation for single-handedly kicking off what experts say could be a crisis of epidemic...
View ArticleCardboard Easter egg ‘an abuse of human rights’, claims Norris, 11
Norris Clatworthy had been saving his largest Easter egg until last. But the excitement of opening it soon turned to shock when he found out that the cellophane and silver foil concealed an egg with a...
View ArticleA&E depts missed targets for selling over priced Wispa bars for a whole year
In a crushing blow to the NHS balance of payments, it has been revealed today that all targets for the sale of curly ham sandwiches and ‘slightly foxed’ chocolate bars from dispensing machines in...
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Fresh evidence suggests that Jesus actually turned water into wine and chocolate
Arguments against the over-commercialisation of Easter were questioned today after it was revealed that Jesus, being able to do anything, had actually distributed chocolate as well as wine among his...
View ArticleNASA faked water on Mars to help Matt Damon
NASA has admitted that it spent billions of dollars fabricating images of salt deposits on the planet Mars purely to bump ticket sales for Ridley Scott’s ‘The Martian’, though it has drawn a blank in...
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Confectionary manufacturers adopt new ‘no b.s.’ advertising stance
The revelations that eating chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks and other addictive but utterly delicious products containing high amounts of sugar are bad for health has prompted confectionary makers to...
View ArticleCadbury announces homeopathic Fruit and Nut bar
Cadbury has upset some fans of its Fruit and Nut bar by removing all fruit and nuts and adding ‘essence’ of fruit and nut. This essence is a very small amount of water that once had a hazelnut and a...
View ArticlePolice search for suspected confectionery spoiler After Eight men are harmed
After a number of chocolate bar brands have been withdrawn from sale following the discovery of plastic parts in the sweetmeats, Police have appealed for help to capture of the suspects. In a...
View ArticleReduced Yorkie Bar renamed ‘Middlethorpe’
Food giant Nestle have confirmed that York, with a population of 200,000, is a far too large to represent their shrinking chocolate bar and that a more modest hamlet will be chosen for their...
View ArticleMilky Bar Kid ‘responsible for obesity crisis’
He was strong and tough, and only the best was good enough, but now The Milky Bar Kid faces widespread condemnation for single-handedly kicking off what experts say could be a crisis of epidemic...
View ArticleThornton’s Continental chocolates to get proper British names
Due to Brexit, the popular Thornton’s Continental chocolates selection will be changing its name to the Thornton’s Non-Continental None Of That Fancy Foreign Stuff Thank You Very Much Indeed...
View ArticleChristmas snacks and sweets to be finished before health kick starts
Across the nation, households are attempting to eat all the remaining unhealthy food that was bought for Christmas before embarking on a new healthy eating and exercise regime for 2021. Typically,...
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